For me a pickup, ‘pulling a bird’ or a seduction, is a process which has a value and an enjoyment of its own, sex being just a by-product of the actual sport. I don’t fish because I am hungry, I fish because I love to fish, regardless of taking a catch home or not. I am never hungry because I always have at least one girlfriend at any one time, quite often more. I’m into this for the sport. I like coming out on top. I love working sets.

So this Sunday afternoon I did Clapham again. Now if there’s one thing I love to do, it’s to steal girls off other guys and for me, the self important Clapham Clowner gets what’s coming to him every time. The big and loud Aussie and Saffa guys generally do OK by default by being fairly alpha but they need more than that to keep me from their lake.

The bar in which it all happened was almost empty, apart from one set. Two hotties, the blonde I would find out later, was English, the other, a French brunette, was a dead ringer for Myleen Klass but prettier and the guys were both Australian. Three of them were seated and engrossed in conversation while Myleen looked bored and played on her phone. Not an easy game by any stretch but I had two things extra in my arsenal - Perry and Lovehope and the odds were slightly in my favour for a set like this.

We sat near the window because we had to muscle past the set to get there; I cast my net, exchanging jocularity as we passed and as we settled I carried the joke on for a moment longer before turning away. For an hour I continued in this way. Casting into the target set, gently, then pulling away. Slowly casting in and casting out, I eventually made the Aussies an integral part of MY group. Finally we ended up joining their table.

You actually need guys for a good pickup because guys who don’t know what they are doing make guys who do look good. You don’t have to be the top guy in London to get the best girl in the bar, you don’t even have to be the top guy in the bar. You just have to be the top of that social group. Without someone to shine against, like a chump, how is a girl to know she’s found gold?

They guys got a round in and Perry and I asked for our trademark Cranberry juices. We waited. The Aussies went for the bait, joshing Mode and I on the Cranberry juices. My playful response was something I’d said a hundred times before and although it sounded self deprecating, I was actually suggesting something about myself that women adore at the same time as gently putting the guys in their place. I had become the alpha male of the group and an adorable one at that. Ha, fucking ha.

The girls were very interested in Perry and I, only to different extents. The two shiny new males with adoring girl in tow had piqued their interest but Myleen still favoured time on the mobile. Since I had got us into the group, it was my game. Perry and Lovehope were waiting for my signals for what I needed to happen and when. The blonde hottie was very keen, but Myleen was a challenge. She was my target. I let Perry and Love know and the game was on. 

Lovehope has a good story about Paris. It always gets a laugh and causes debate with girls but it has a hidden suggestion, it suggests that one of the protagonists is a man who goes for broke and wins. Lovehope set me up as this guy and it got Myleen’s interest, and once in Lovehope didn’t let her go. Hitting her with talk of astrology.

We were on a roll. The phone went away and the conversation flowed. The Aussie boys were now on the outside a little, but were contend in their own discussion. If they hadn’t been, Lovehope would have occupied them. But all was well in the land of Jimmy. I worked Myleen with some push pull. Accused her of being a sex pervert.

I then loudly announced to Perry and Love that we were leaving. I was just going to go to the bathroom, get your coats, the party awaits.

This is a good tactic for creating urgency and desire. A girl often won’t realise she fancies a guy until she thinks she missed her chance. In creating this false goodbye she feels the urgency and hopes something will happen whereby we exchange numbers.

Something does happen. Perry accidentally gets a round in and when I get back I josh him for fucking up, he slaps his forehead. What an idiot!

Then we continue with Myleen. She is happy. 5 minutes of flimflam and another easy number close.