My friend an pivot is hands down the greatest pimp-woman I know. You know how David De tells you to make five guy friends who are good with women? That's complete and utter bullshit. Befriend at least one hot girl who has tons of hot friends. So I'm on my way home, shooting the shit with HBCoco who's on the way to meet HBGreen, whom I've never met before. I have heard stories of her being hot, so I decide it would be a good idea to tag along to verify the information.

As per usual, the pivot was correct, HBGreen is attractive. Our eyes meet, I shift the gears in my head. It's on.

[Ace] Greetings, I'm one called Ace.

[HBGreen] I'm HBGreen. No kiss on the cheek?

[Ace] *sigh* It never ceases to amaze me how greedy French women are...

HBGreen was supposed to sell some cheap cigarettes from India to the pivot. They haggle a bit. I'm not getting any attention and decide that something is wrong with this picture as they continue their negotiations.

[Ace – to HBGreen] I thought you were a good girl, but apparently you're greedy in all areas of your life. One day you will make a Jewish guy very, very happy.

I'm far from antisemitic – matter of fact, my best friend is Jewish, and he rips on his people round the clock. I was hanging out with him earlier that day, I guess I hadn't shaken off the vibe yet. Oh well, if HBGreen can't take a joke – fuck her.

To my delight, she starts laughing.

[Ace] What the fuck, that was a terrible joke! You are officially the most evil person on the planet.

[HBGreen – still laughing] I so am not! I have a heart of gold!

[Ace] ... and you always think in terms of precious metals. I rest my case.

Hair toss. Lip bite. And she laughed at my awful joke. Wow, that was fast. 

[Ace] Apart from focusing most of your energy on amassing wealth, is there anything more to you? What do you do for fun?

[HB] I like art – matter of fact, I was gonna invite HBpivot to an exhibition tomorrow at 7.

[Ace] You're pulling my leg. I won't believe it until I see it. Where is it?

[HB] Whitechapel, 7pm.

[Ace] Awesome, I'll see you there.

[Pivot] You should exchange numbers.

Pimp at work – I told you guys. So I take HB's number, to her dread I save her under 'HB Stingy Bitch' (her idea for a nickname) and head off. Hey, if she can't take a joke – fuck her.

Day 2 was pretty uneventful, so I'll just give you the highlights. We were supposed to meet her friend at the exhibition at 7 but ended up going for a walk and arrived two hours late instead.

[HB] You are pretty impulsive.

[Ace] Completely. I have a reputation for making snap decisions and sticking by them. Ooh, a park, let's check it out!

[Comfort building]

[Ace – pointing to some weirdass dude] Damn, he was totally checking you out! You single? (asked in a suspicious tone)

[HB] Yes... wait, why?

[Ace] I gotta introduce you, he looks like a real nice guy, it would be a shame to let a great opportunity (point to self) pass you by.

------------

So I found out HBGreen was an architecture student who has never seen London's glorious St Paul's cathedral from the inside. When she told me, I literally laughed in her face and said I'd suspend all my respect for her until she did. This very easily lent itself to a fun date. Yes, I did take a girl to a friggin church on a day two – my future employers in Hell are sure to grant me a couple brownie points for that deed, maybe even a bigger office.

A little time goes by, sightseeing is fun but a cathedral is not the best rapport building venue. We stay long enough to engrain the memory of each other in this specific venue in our minds. I sure as hell am not sitting through an entire mass – a little time distortion is all I'm after. We leave and  walk around the outside a bit, got back into witty banter which HBGreen was excellent at. At some point I decide it's time to make out, so I lean in for the kiss

[HB] Wait... erm.. Oh god, I don't know how to say this... well, I'll just keep it short. I like spending time with you and talking to you, but I'd really like us to just be friends...

I can't control myself.

[Ace] HAHAHAHA!!!

[HB] What?

[Ace] AAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!

I literally cannot stop laughing, this is way to surreal. I have not heard the LJBF speech since I joined the community. It was exactly like going back to high school.

[Ace] Hahaha... OK, sorry... Khem. Listen, I will promise no such thing. I don't believe friends should put each other into boxes like that. What I can promise, though, is that nothing will happen unless we're both totally comfortable, willing and ready.

Stand up and take a bow, Mr Jeffries.

[HB] What was so funny then?

[Ace] You'll find out in due time.

[HB] Oh, come on, don't be like that. I'm sorry, I had no clue you'd react like that... Just tell me why you laughed!

At this point I objectively marked this set as failed. So you want to know why I found it funny, little girl? I pointed to a seat in a cafe nearby and told her to sit down and comfort her inner child before I destroyed her perception of reality. She was about to hear the confession of a pickup artist.

Buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going 'bye bye'.

In twenty short minutes I described to her the inner workings of the community with blunt honesty – everything that is absolutely amazing about it and all its flaws. I told her all the ways in which the community has made me a better person. I spoke of the controversial methods I have used to get to where I am – including using a crude version of the Apocalypse opener ('Hey, you wanna have sex?')

[HB] No way in hell... You actually did that?! I guess afterwards just saying hello seems like a breeze... No, you're shitting me. Ask that black girl over there.

Unfortunately, the black girl was in a bad state and judging by her response, in no mood to have sex with me. Thinking back at it, I shouldn't have been the performing monkey – on the other hand, it demonstrated a key point to her: Ace doesn't fuck around. Ace knows what he wants, knows what methods get him there and makes no apologies for it. He often should, but doesn't.

As we continued to chat at the cafe, all I wanted to do was to sit down by myself and pinpoint a tactical error. I have seen way more indicators of interest than required before the kiss, there should have been enough comfort even without the time distortions, so Buyer's Remorse is out of the question...   What was her deal?!

I gave up. We walked around – I enjoyed her company, so I navigated towards my house. I thought, if I screwed up, I'll at least enjoy some fun conversation on the walk back home. Worst comes to worst, I'll have another pivot when I'm rolling with the Project Entourage crew. We talked about personal relationship experiences, and before I knew it, I was home.

[Ace] Right, this is me. The nearest underground station is literally fifty meters that way, you cannot possibly get lost. You could potentially come in for a cup of tea... But I want to fill in a job application tonight, so it's probably a bad idea... Ah, screw it, come on!

I grab her by the hand and listen to her giggle as I open the door. This is my music. This is my art. I don't want a commited relationship, but I won't settle for 'just friends'.

We sit down on the bed with our feet out of the window (I can't be asked to describe my room in detail, but trust me, it kicks ass). Two coconut scented candles are burning on a shelf, the lava lamp oozes pink light, which is barely visible as all other lights are on. We have some more conversation with Red Hot Chilli Peppers playing in the background. I notice constant hairtossing and get a lot of physical contact.

[HB] Do I get to see a magic trick tonight?

I have two options. I can vanish a coin... or I can tell her to close her eyes and go caveman on her ass. I have a condom in my pocket just in case, I can switch all the lights except the lava lamp with one hand, and if we lied down, I'd be able to close the window with my foot... I remember the promise I made to myself ('Farewell').

[Ace] Close your eyes.

And then I froze. C'mon, Ace, you made your decision, now execute it – it's not rocket science, son.

[HB] What are you doing?

Fuck it. I kiss her, grab her hair and, perhaps too violently, I yank her head back. We fall back on the bed as I bite her neck like a starved vampire. I pin her down.

All women have had more than their fair share of romantic losers. The novelty of caveman gives them the unpredictable, irresistible excitement they crave. I reach for her tights. Yes, you guessed it, with the intention of actually RIPPING THEM RIGHT OFF.

[HB] I'm not sure I'm letting you do this... Hang on, I gotta go to the bathroom.

And I thought I had the winning hand.

As she goes to the bathroom, I get to my computer and type an email to a wing out of boredom. I contemplate going caveman again with the webcam on to see if I can improve it. And if things go well, I will expect an extra shovel of coal under my cauldron while I'm burning in hell.

The bathroom door opens. No time to adjust the webcam. But I decide that going caveman again was definitely a good idea.

We have some more general conversation –  I tease, but her responses are too friend-like for my taste. I decide I don't like them.

I pull her hair again, do my famous bloodsucker move, lift her up and fall on the bed with her, making sure I aimed right and securing her soft landing. This takes incredible skill – kids, don't try this at home. And then I remembered the most genius idea ever.

I started rubbing her pussy with my thigh. All I had to do is get her arousal to a high enough level to switch off her logic. I decided this was definitely a great idea. After a couple minutes of heavy makeout (with her being completely pinned down, as usual) I heard the first moan. A green light went off in my head. Ace has arrived.

I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. I seriously recommend you familiarise yourselves with David Shade's material. I did, and I took everything he taught me to heart.

Let's just say that 'SAY MY NAME, BITCH!!!' was the most courteous sentence uttered until I rolled off her, filthy, disgusting and dripping with sweat.

[HB] I don't think I've ever been fucked like that before! What the hell did you do to me?

[Ace] You know what... I'd like us to stay just friends.

Icing on the cake... I am an evil asshole.